Monday, October 19, 2009

home

i saw this print by graphic artist jenn ski a week or so ago, and it made me really happy, because it reminded me of home. the house in it, bears a striking resemblance to the home i grew up in. the home that i spent my entire life in, until i turned 25, got married, and moved away. the home where i raised alanna until she was almost 8. the home that my mother and father built. the home in which so many wonderful memories were made. the one that i love, and that i so badly miss. and what a perfect caption. my last name is hart, so i kind of feel like this piece was created just for me. very strange, since the artist has no idea who i even am.

the print is available here


this is the only photo that i have on my computer of our house in utah, so i'm not sure if you can see the similarity. it was taken from the garage side, and not from the front. but if you really know me, and you know this house, then you'll know how close the two are.


it also made me sad, and homesick. i've lived in north carolina for over 4 years, but it has never really felt like home. i don't have any real connections with anyone out here, besides my husband and his immediate family, and a few of his close friends (who are great). i often feel disconnected and detached. sometimes i feel like i am floating around in a foreign land.

this feeling is very strange to me. my whole life i had always been surrounded by my family, and lots of friends and coworkers. now i just spend my time at home with malcolm. i wish he had some little friends to play with. and i especially wish that alanna had some good quality relationships too. the girls she has met at school are flaky and unreliable. she has missed out on the joys of having a best friend to grow up with. this makes my heart hurt, and sometimes makes me feel like i have failed her. when i see or hear about grown women who have been great friends for their entire lives (like on oprah today, haha), i can't help but feel envious. i do not have that connection with anyone. and neither does my daughter. what a shame.

the city where we live is nice. it is beautiful out here too. i love danny so much, and we have a great little family. plus so many amazing things have happened since the move (malcolm!), but i can't help but miss salt lake city. a lot of it has to do with my aging parents. i think about how they are missing out on our lives, and seeing their only grandkids kids grow up. i miss talking to my brother. and my sister is going through a really rough time in her life right now too. last night she sent me an email, and in it she said how she wished i were there, and that she wished we weren't so far away. it made me bawl. i feel the very same way. i am homesick, and i probably always will be. forgive me for venting about it here. i usually just keep all of these feelings to myself. but today i felt like i needed to let it all out. so if you've read this far, thank you for listening.

7 comments:

  1. :( I feel for you...and Alanna.
    You had such a beautiful home growing up i can so see the resemblance in the print!
    xoxo

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  2. awwww...I am so sorry Lauren! I can't imagine what that must feel like. Especially being a woman, it is truly hard to be away from family and friends. You can come and visit us anytime, or we can come there. I know that isnt offering much...but it's all I got. Haha. I always felt the same way about friends. I never really had any relationships like that either. Do they really exist?! Ha. Anyways, I hope that everything works out whether it be moving back home, or finding some comfort in nc. Were here if you ever need a hangout. :)
    -Haley

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  3. Maybe you'll move back someday? I thought you guys were talking about it a while back.
    I've been in Charlotte over 7 years now and it still doesn't always feel like home. I get really homesick too, especially in the fall. I'm also really close with my family and I know how bad it sux to only see them a couple times a year. I hate that our baby is not going to grow up around his uncles and grandma :(
    Sorry for the long comment!

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  4. i hope i can bring you a little bit of slc when i come to visit!

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  5. thats one grand house! it has little touches of european influence (scandinavian) as well which just looks amazing!
    man. we'd kill for a place like that :]

    trying to put down roots is the hardest.
    i know from whence you speak.
    those feelings are all too real.
    i hope everyhing works out for the best

    -paul

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  6. oh and lauren, i know you hurt about alanna not having a best friend to grow up with. but i dont think you give yourself enough credit. you're a great mum and whether you like it or not...you're also an amazing best friend to her...you're her mum - its kinda part of the job description ;]
    it'll come in time for her :]

    chin up

    -paul

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  7. It is truly amazing how much that house looks like yours. As for the rest, it's hard being isolated. I never had any girl friends growing up and when I finally made a few close ties they all moved away. I just find comfort in things like annual trips to D-Land and text messages from friends when I need them most.

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