we took a trip to marbles, which is always fun.
wrastlin' a dolphin, haha!
i had a couple days where i didn't feel so great, so i've been in a bit of a funk. i went to bed early one of the nights (even before malcolm did, thanks husband!), and felt much better the next day. maybe it's the change in the weather, but i have been feeling kind of blue. i think it's a combination of a few things, and i'm sorry for this rant, but it is good to get things off my chest, and since this is my blog, what better place to put it all out there, right?! i'm homesick. the prices of flights are outrageous right now, so i doubt we will be out for a visit anytime soon. i always feel especially sad and miss my family around the holidays. i know that christmas is still a ways away, but the other night as i was getting malcolm in his pj's after his bath, he asked me if we could go on an airplane to see grandma nadine. it's hard for me to explain to him that it just isn't that easy, and that we can't go right now. it made him sad, and it made me sob.
it's hard being stuck at home so much, and not having any kid-free adult interaction. don't get me wrong, i am so very grateful that i get to stay home with malcolm, but i feel like i need a break from him sometimes. or maybe just a break from my life. i miss having "free time", or "me time", whatever the hell that is? i barely remember what it's like to be able to just quietly wander around a store and enjoy it. or to be able to buy whatever i wanted, whenever i wanted. even after almost three years of being a sahm, not having a job or my own paycheck is still difficult to get used to. plus i miss having my mom, my siblings, or my girlfriends to get together with and go shopping or out to eat. which takes me back to being homesick. i would like to try and find some sort of part-time job, that would get me out of the house a few days a week, as long as it didn't interfere with danny's crazy busy work schedule.
and about that... i'm sad that my husband is stressed out, frustrated, and discouraged by what he does for a living. he works really hard to support the four of us, and i love that he is willing and able to do so, so that we can afford the things we need, but i hate that it makes him feel so stressed and anxious all the time. we are fortunate that his business has been successful, but quite often he makes himself sick with worry about what the next job will be. it's hard to see him feeling so down all the time and wrapped up in so much negativity. plus i feel guilty that i am not able to help out with the bills.
one of the main things that is making me feel blue is that i want another baby. sorry husband, but there, i said it. i am super-duper baby hungry right now. i have been for a while, i've just been keeping it mostly to myself. it seems like so many people i know are pregnant right now, or have a new baby, and i am so envious that it isn't us. i remember when malcolm was just a few weeks old, danny and i were talking about how we already wanted another one, and how crazy that seemed since we had our hands full with alanna and now a newborn. but i loved (and missed) being pregnant, and i wanted malcolm to have a lil' buddy -or sister that was close in age. he is going to be three years old in just two and half more months, and i feel like we are already running out of time to have another child near his age. i know it was hard for alanna to grow up as an only child for so many years, and since she and malcolm are eleven years apart, i hoped that we could have one more baby so that malcolm didn't grow up feeling like an only child as well. if that makes sense? but we are far from being financially ready, and i can't imagine adding to the stress that my husband already feels. he mentioned recently how it didn't make sense to have any more kids, because we are already having a hard enough time with our family of four. this is true, but it hurts my heart. i would love to know what it is like to be "ready" to have a child, and have a normal planned pregnancy. when i had alanna, i was about as far from ready as i could have ever imagined, and thankfully my parents were there to help me with everything along the way. after danny and i were married, we knew we wanted to have a baby, but when i found out i was pregnant with malcolm, it was a surprise and we were totally unprepared. it's crazy how much it cost us to have him, since we are uninsured, and im thankful that our parents were willing to help with some of the expenses. i've saved so much of his baby stuff in hopes that it will be used again soon, but for now it will stay packed up in the attic until that day, or until we decide to sell it all. alanna is already fourteen, and a fifteen+ age gap in siblings seems insane, so maybe it's for the best that we don't have any more kids. at the same time, i am only thirty, and it is hard to imagine that we will never have any more children. ugh, it makes me sad just typing this all out. sometimes i wish life was so much easier.
i'm sorry for such a long downer of a blog post. if you've read this far, thanks for listening. i'm sure my gray cloud will pass soon, and i felt like if i didn't put this all out there, it may have become a black cloud. and no one wants that.
here are a couple photos from our attempted ride along the greenway on saturday. it was chilly and started to drizzle as we were just getting there, so we turned around and headed home. we went back out on sunday, and the sun was warm, and we had a great ride. sadly my camera was dead on that trip, so i didn't get any photos. shame because the path we rode down was full of beautiful fall foliage. maybe next weekend?
(the look on malcolm's cold little face is sort of how i've been feeling this week, haha)